Journal Entry: Wed May 22, 2013, 2:13 PM
So - I guess this might be somewhat anticipated by quite a lot of people... Still, I suppose the most logical thing to do is update everyone on my life now some major stuff has been going on.
As I touched on previously, I recently booked myself in for a counselling session with my college's mental health department. I went along to the screening interview this Monday with an open mind, and tried to see if any help would be offered. It turns out that whilst all of the counselling blocks are booked until the end of the academic year, I can be placed at the absolute top of next term's short-list. Either way, I'm willing to take any help over none - so waiting a few months is no real concern to me. Obviously I can't divulge everything I spoke about with the lady who questioned me - since I requested that parts of it be kept confidential - but I have decided to give out the basic facts so everybody worrying about me can stop bloody biting their tongue.
The interview went on for about fifty minutes in a room that seemed to flicker between 'almost hot enough to get Jake to finally take his leather jacket off' and 'fuck, another layer would be good right about now' spasmodically. We spoke about the basic stuff; why I was there, what I wanted, et cetera. Eventually we settled on a plan of action and came up with a few leads as to why I could be such a depressive freak. See, the main issue with me is that I don't understand why I feel sad half of the time. It's definitely not seasonal, but it's also not trauma-induced since my life is much too monotonous to start causing my brain to panic. The main theory we're currently pursuing is that it could have something to do with my mini-breakdown.
There has always been a part of me that had an inkling it could have been to do with that, but it was never strong enough to rule everything else out. The current plan comprises of trying to detail and remember as much about that spell as possible, and then try to examine it for what is causing me to feel so depressed. I asked whether it could be relating to the fact that I'm practically Stockholm Syndrome-style attached to being abused and bullied constantly, and she seemed keen to join the pair. She thinks that my brain has substituted the feeling of being bullied / abused with a feeling of general passiveness. In simple terms, my mind could be so used to being hurt that when it's not being damaged, it turns on itself.
This would explain why I loathe myself and hate a lot of aspects of myself as a person, but still - it is just a theory and will have to be explored and tested when the proper counselling starts up. Since my case isn't severe - for example, I'm not homeless or confessing to murdering a stranger - it unfortunately does not take priority. They did say that all cases are treated equally, but I think even she knew that's complete crap. Not that I'm annoyed; I just want to try and get better at some point in the future. Who knows; maybe it'll stop me running away. It's entirely possible. Although, she did say to try and find a friend to confide all this stuff in... Fucking oops. Suppose I sort of had that one coming, really. Oh well - my notebook doesn't judge.
Atop all of this stuff, I've gotten back into volunteering - which has kind of generally raised my spirits and has helped the charity shop out as well. My writing has been going well, but my poetry had definitely reached a bit of a standstill for the moment. I guess you can't have all good things come to you at once, huh? Still, I won't complain. 8,000+ of a novel in about three weeks is incredible for me. I'm really pleased of myself. I'm already one-quarter of the way through my newest story and I already have so much more faith in it that my previous attempt. Still, I'm not jinxing anything. It will be ready when it's ready - I'm not going to force it out for love nor money. More updates when they happen: I'm off to go play 'Hotel Dusk Room 215'.