I’ll cut to the chase: If you’re reading this, I’m dead.
This is no joke, social experiment or publicity stunt – I have passed on. In case of my death, certain people were instructed to spread the message – with this written statement acting as proof. I understand a lot of you reading will assume this is some elaborate scheme for attention; alas, it is not. I have struggled with numerous personal issues from a very young age, and I knew it would only be a certain amount of time before they consumed me. I wanted to end my existence as young as six, but tried to keep going as long as possible. Now, I have dropped to a point where I cannot see the light anymore. Every day is a challenge. Impermanence.
Recently, I’ve become progressively less interested in my written works and there are an awful lot of unaddressed fears lingering up in this pedantic head of mine. Loads of people on deviantART have been mentally supporting me since early 2011 – and though I have may not kept in touch, I wish each of them the very best for the future and hope that one day they are recognised for their specific talents. It would be unfair to name some individuals and exclude others – suffice it to say that those who really care are likely to leave messages of support anyway – but those who have really assisted my endeavours know who they are. Once again, I thank them for being there during my dark parts and for helping influence my poetry as much as they have.
As well as persistent mental pain, my physical health has suffered as of late. I’ll avoid details – but grouping all of the negative aspects of my life against the positive ones shows just what little I am living for. I’m aware that taking your own life is supposedly a selfish, cowardly action; but trust me, choosing to conclude your life’s story early is by no means an easy option and one day the general public will learn that. Until then; if I am to be viewed as a weakling, then so be it. I don’t want to blame specific events / ailments for my choice to pursue suicide; but if you are desperate to find reasons supporting the idea, consider the following challenges and their respective impacts: Documented daily bullying throughout education, suppression of sexuality for almost a decade, domestic violence, trust issues, chronic depression, obsessive-compulsive tendencies, negligible self-esteem, constant anxiety in private and social situations and a plethora of other ailments I dare not mention. The point is, realistically, my chance at living a normal life was negligible.
The fact of the matter is that I have never explicitly told anybody why I want to die – nor do I intend to. This is why I was destined to fail; I could not let go of something. Even now – knowing it is insignificant whether I type it out or not – I still cannot put the words down. I apologise. By no means am I condoning suicide. If you are feeling continually low, please seek help. Use this experience as a learning exercise. Contact a relevant person (for example, a counselling practitioner) who can help you sort out your problems and start some form of treatment. You are all such beautiful, talented people and it would be such a loss to see anybody mimicking my poor decisions. Each and every one of you deserves to succeed in some capacity and hopefully you will with time. For the moment, Elijah will be glancing over my page and responding to comments / Notes; but please don’t bombard him with countless questions. Elijah is doing this as an immense favour to me when he doesn’t have to and he honestly does not know even half of the story.
Once again – thank you to everyone who made my life even a little bit more enjoyable near the end. You’re all brilliant people and I hope Earth treats you a little better than it did me. Who knows; maybe I’ll see you on the other side. Until then, much love.
- Jake. x